


If you're going to hell then I'm fucked

by limitedkirari



Series: Not a sinner [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Bruises, Comfort, Dry Humor, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr, Fluff, Hair-pulling, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, M/M, Pet Names, Sonny needs a hug, author is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-14 11:59:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18475786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/limitedkirari/pseuds/limitedkirari
Summary: After a dinner with his father, Sonny ends up with a bruise on his neck and a mental breakdown. Rafael comes to the rescue.





	If you're going to hell then I'm fucked

Sonny’s head felt like it had been filled with lead, heavy black lead that was weighing it down. His hands were like tree branches in a tornado and he could barely see from all the tears in his eyes. God, he fucked up so bad, so so bad. The events of last night played back in his head like a horror movie. Dinner with his father at a new Italian place in the city, telling him about his job, and oh god about Rafael. He had told him about Rafael, and he completely flipped; threw him to the floor and called him a sinner. Why the fuck did he tell him, fuck fuck fuck. 

Sonny sat in his chair in the bullpen, coat pulled up to his chin as to not show the blue and purple bruise along his neck. He was shaking like a leaf, his arms wrapped around himself in a desperate attempt to keep the sobs in, legs drawn up towards his body. He’s been here for hours. After the dinner with his dad, he went to the office to be alone and he’s been sitting here all night. Nobody else is in yet, it’s only 5 am and nobody’s expected for another hour which calmed him only slightly. He couldn’t show anyone the red puffiness around his eyes, the bruise and his shaking body. “God I’m such a fucking idiot why did I tell him” Sonny whispers to himself, anger very evident on his tone. He should have known it wouldn’t turn out well, of course, he would disapprove of him dating a man. Now he’s the sinner, the heretic and the disgrace. Religion was important to him, he was raised Catholic and it took ages for him to finally allow himself to face the fact that he liked men. His mother was by no means homophobic, but his dad was a different story. Looking down at his phone he saw unread messages on his phone screen. 

From: Rafi  
Hope dinner with your dad goes well nene, don’t be too nervous x  
Received 07:37 PM

From: Rafi  
Hey darling, call me if you have time x  
Received 09:57 PM

From: Rafi  
Nene, I’m a little worried for you, please call me okay?  
Received 00:20 AM

Sonny swears loudly when he realizes he hasn’t replied to Rafael at all. How sweet he was, checking in on him like this. If only his dad knew what a wonderful man his son was seeing. Seeing the cute pet names makes him sob even harder, how he wishes he was here to pull him close. With shaky hands, Sonny writes a message to Rafael.

He hurt me. Rafael. Please come to the precinct.  
Sent 05:23 AM

Sonny presses send, throws his phone on his desk and draw his legs up even closer, holding his arms around them in a fetal position. He cries it’s not that soft and silent kind of crying, it’s the loud, painful, burning kind of crying that makes your throat feel like it’s closing. There’s a faint buzz coming from his desk, and then two more in rapid succession. Sonny can’t make himself reach for it, his neck hurts and the tears make his vision fuzzy.  
“ I’m a sinner, I’m a sinner, I’m a sinner, I’m a sinner” Sonny repeats quietly to himself like a mantra. What if he was in the wrong here? What if he was the sinner, being with a man and needing him to take care of him. Maybe he deserved what he got. Deserved the way his dad had grabbed him by the neck and thrown him to the floor. Maybe he was damned to hell, bound to rot, suffer and be tortured for all eternity? 

Then there’s the sound of doors opening and rapid footsteps, the sound of expensive shoes against the precinct floor. “Sonny? Sonny baby are you okay?” its Rafael’s voice, shaken with worry and he had been crying. Then Sonny saw him. He was wearing his usual matte brown coat and a blue pinstripe suit, his tie not completely done and his hair a mess. He must have thrown himself right out of bed. Then those familiar hands are on him, checking his body for wounds probably and they stop immediately when he sees Sonny’s neck. “ Mierda, Sonny darling what did the man do to you” Rafael says, his voice soft as his hand tilts Sonny’s chin up so he can look into his eyes. It’s then that he breaks, the floodgates open and he starts weeping, his body relaxes and he falls forward. Strong arms are wrapped around his waist in a second, the familiar and calming scent of Rafael filling his nose when his face is nuzzled against the shoulder of his man.

Rafael holds him close, kissing his hair from time to time and running his hands over his boy’s back. When the sobs finally quiet down and the body below him stills the question comes up. “What happened nene?” Rafael asked softly, letting his hand cup his partners cheek. “I-i told him a-about you” Sonny croaks, the tears still making his voice weak and unreliable. The anger on the face before Sonny was striking. Rafael’s face wrinkled into an angry grimace as his hand ran over the bruise, whispering something to himself under his breath. “I’m so sorry my darling, this is my fault, I suggested you try to have dinner with him” Rafael exclaims, hands wiping away the tears on the other man’s cheeks. His body wouldn’t stop shaking. The tremors in his shoulders stretched out into his hands, gripping at Rafael’s coat like a drowned pirate clinging to a cliff and fighting for his life. Rafael smelled of his cologne, sharp just like him, but it was faded. He must have run straight out of bed to get here. The thought strikes Sonny with guilt. It was his fault Rafael looked so worried, he had fucked up. Again.

“Sonny I can hear your thoughts going like mad in there, tell me” Rafael urges softly, wanting to push him in the direction of telling without overstepping. Without another word, Sonny stands and motions to put his coat on. “Everything’s fine Rafael” Sonny says, trying his absolute best to hide his shaky voice. A part of him really wanted the other man to just drop the subject, allow him to go get coffee so they could both start their days. So he didn’t have to replay that scene once more. But then again, this was ADA Rafael Barba, a man who won’t give up when he’s set his mind on something. This stops him in his tracks and he sits back down, heavy head resting in his hands as he sits. “I told him about you, and well he decided that wasn’t acceptable” Sonny says, trying to keep a steady tone. “He was uhm, disappointed, that I hadn’t listened to him and found myself a nice girl to marry” Sonny continues, gulping at the word ‘disappointed’. Then Rafael takes his hand, giving it a soft squeeze and then running his thumb over his fingers slowly. “He said I was a sinner, a disgrace to my family, and then he grabbed my throat and pushed me to the grou-” Sonny barely manages to finish the sentence before he lets out a sob, tears now forming in his eyes yet again. “Then one of the waiters came and threw him out, asked me if I wanted police but I just walked out and came here” Sonny says, voice low and laced with guilt. He should have called Rafael. “Sonny what he did constitutes assault, he put his hands on you and hurt you” Rafael said, his ever law-oriented mind looking for a reason to prosecute but the real intent was clear. Rafael wanted to hurt the man who did this to him. “ Rafael, I’m not damned am I?” Sonny asks, knowing full well the question was ludicrous and that Rafael could rightly laugh at him. 

But he wasn’t met by that. He was pulled into a deep kiss by the man before him, hands ran through his hair and landed on his neck. Rafael’s tongue touched his and he felt himself relax, the softness of the man he loved so deeply running his hands across his neck. By pure instinct Sonny whimpers when Rafael pulls lightly at his hair, and he can feel him smile into their kiss. “You are not damned Sonny Carisi, cause if you were then I’d be completely fucked” Rafael says, giving him a small smile and Sonny can’t help but laugh in turn. “Baby, we need to get some ice on your neck okay? Let me take you home to my place and I’ll patch you up” Rafael says, placing his hand on the lower part of Sonny’s back to guide him up to standing. Before he even has a chance to take a step Sonny pulls him in yet again, crashing their mouths together in a hard kiss full of teeth and tongue. He needed Rafael to know, to understand, what all this meant to him. Nobody could handle him as his Rafael could, he could get him to smile in a second and make him feel like he had his own personal army. Sonny placed his hands in that short silver hair, felt it under his fingers and then ran them down to cup his cheek to feel the small stubble there. It was like being reborn into a new person every time they kissed, all feelings in existence all at once crashing inside his head. When they finally part Sonny is panting, lips pink and slick with saliva, cheeks rosy with a blush. “Thank you for not freaking out Rafi, I was so afraid you’d see me differently” Sonny admits, putting on one of those smiles that scream sadness but often fall on deaf ears. “Dominick, sweetheart, why would I ever feel differently about you? The only thing I feel is love for you” Rafael explains, caressing Sonny’s bottom lip swiftly with his left thumb. The blush on his cheeks deepens even further as their hands intertwine. “Let’s go home dearest, I’ll take good care of you” Rafael says, kissing his boyfriend on the cheek as they walk out into the morning air.

**Author's Note:**

> Been considering writing this kind of scenario for them before, as I can definitely see Sonny's father being like this, and because I'm sad I sat down and did it. I hope people liked it, I always imagine Rafael to be the kind to make stupid little "jokes" to cheer up Sonny. Comments are always appreciated <3


End file.
